(write it) like disaster

Writer and Comedian Erik Tanouye posts stuff here: the typical things you find on a tumblr.

For jokes, check out my twitter: http://twitter.com/toyns

Full length website: http://www.writeitlikedisaster.com
I had fun baking these. I am not sure how they taste. Hopefully good?

I had fun baking these. I am not sure how they taste. Hopefully good?

An Excerpt from My Novelization of the TV show Suits

Chapter One

The slightly taller of the two main characters from the TV show Suits sat in his office, looking at some papers. He was dressed in a sleek black suit as he probably often was.  The other guy from the show Suits opened his door without knocking.

"We need to talk," he said.  "It’s about that woman who is also in Suits,” he said, if there is a woman on the TV show Suits. Otherwise, he said, “It’s about that lawsuit.”

The slightly taller character stood up from his chair, so you could really tell that he was the slightly taller one then, also his hair was a little more combed while the other guy’s is messy.

"Let’s go for a walk," said the slightly taller guy from the TV show Suits, implying that they couldn’t talk about this sensitive matter here in their law firm, assuming that’s where they work.

Soon they were walking out the revolving door of their modern office building, past the marble walls, into the bustling streets of New York or maybe it’s Chicago, somewhere with skyscrapers in any case.

They were walking quickly because things were probably urgent.  The slightly taller guy who also has a slightly wider tie in a lot of promotional pictures for the TV show Suits said, “I thought it would be better to talk out here.”  

If they do work at a law firm, then maybe there are other people at the firm who they don’t want to overhear them while they are scheming.  The guy with messy hair, who favors a slightly thinner tie than the other guy from the TV show Suits, nodded his head.

“That big thing that we were involved in last year, the lawsuit or the corporate takeover or the art theft, we’re going to have to do something about it,” said the guy from the TV show Suits who was not the slightly taller one.  “We need to figure out who is on our side.”

“Who are our friends?”

“No, the question is, who’s on our side?  It could be our enemies, if they want the same thing we want,” he said this with either the steely determination of an iron-jawed protagonist, or the cheeky irreverence of a silver-tongued smooth operator, whichever is the manner of the TV show Suits.

Soon the two men were in the wood-paneled conference room of the company where they both work, sitting around the expensive boardroom table with other associates.  Everyone was wearing suits, unless there are women on the TV show Suits, in which case the women are probably wearing smart business attire appropriate for their gender.

“Looks like there’s blood in the water,” whispered the slightly taller of the two guys from the TV show Suits to the other guy from the show.  

“Let’s just hope we’re the sharks this time,” answered the one with messier hair and a thin tie.

Suddenly, the person at the end of the table slammed a book shut or coughed to get their attention.  This is probably an older man with a beard, or a stern lady with her hair pulled taught, if they have one of those on the TV show Suits.

Everyone in the suits turned to look at this person at the end of the table.  The two main characters raised their eyebrows at each other.

“Let’s put our cards on the table,” said the antagonist at the end of the table.  Possibly in an angry voice, but it would be even more scary if they said it in a hypnotic, menacing voice.  Either way, it’s clear that this old man or middle-aged woman is not fooling around anymore and probably wasn’t fooling around before either.

Whichever of the two main characters from the TV show Suits is more laid-back, that one loosened his tie and sipped at a glass of water.

Then everything faded quickly to black for approximately two minutes.

A blind man could have delivered mail better than this.

Lucky there weren’t important tax documents enclosed inside.

Also, it’s postmarked February 1.

A blind man could have delivered mail better than this.

Lucky there weren’t important tax documents enclosed inside.

Also, it’s postmarked February 1.
Creepy pop up ad placement.

Creepy pop up ad placement.

Ready.

Ready.

The Whitney Biennial is full of thought-provoking art.

The Whitney Biennial is full of thought-provoking art.

The touching story of an orphan who launches a rocket out of his penis.

The touching story of an orphan who launches a rocket out of his penis.

thatbirch:

Dina - Keep Living + Don’t Give Up!I’m a member of the Black Eyed Peas.- Taboo

thatbirch:

Dina - 
Keep Living + Don’t Give Up!
I’m a member of the Black Eyed Peas.
- Taboo

(via iamachilles)

Some common complaints about cookie charts, my proposed replacement for pie charts.

Some common complaints about cookie charts, my proposed replacement for pie charts.

Bucky destroys Harold Night.

Bucky destroys Harold Night.